Law & Order: CPS

Sometimes, to cope with work related stress, I think, "What would Olivia Benson do?" I am not a cop, I don't carry a gun, and I certainly don't have anything resembling a Stabler, a Finn, or even a Munch. But I do get a kick out of some of the cool legal stuff I have to do. I think focusing on that stuff, actively enjoying it even, helps take the edge off some of the more unpleasant tasks (the ones where I have to pretend to be a TV character to get through). Today I was at family court. This task varies between kick ass and terrifying, but at family court I definitely feel pretty Benson-y either way. Would it make a good TV show? A possible new installment in the Law & Order franchise? Hmmm...not so much. Let's examine.

The L&O: Family Court version would begin with the "chung chung" sound and then writing saying the location: Civic Center Parking Garage, Upper Level. This parking garage is pretty gross, and would take up half the show because it takes up a long time to find a spot. It's two levels are the shared parking area for the Hall of Justice, Sheriff''s Office, related offices, and the War Memorial (oh, excuse me, Blue Cross/Blue Shield Arena. Capitalist bastards). Other than being dank and dark, it is not really a noteworthy parking garage other than this one fact: there is a old limousine parked in the same spot every time I go. My investigative skills tell me it has been there for a really long time, as it is covered in a layer of dust. Who took a limo to court? Why is the limo left there? Why doesn't anybody tow it? If I pay $7.25 for 3 hours, what is their bill? Today I almost asked the parking attendant these questions, but chickened out. Maybe next time.

After the commercial break, it would be chung chung: Security metal detectors, 1st floor. In 6 months' time, I will be granted an official court ID, which will allow me to be all Benson-y and bypass security by flashing a badge. As it stands now, the badge will really just be a plastic ID card with a horrid photo of me, but hopefully by the time I get mine they will change it to be a gold metal star of some kind, in a leather wallety thing that I can flip open as I give the security guard a knowing look- perhaps a half smile and an eyebrow raise.

chung chung:Checking in to the Deputy, 3rd Floor, Hall of Justice. You let them know you're there so that your attorney knows to look for you, or if they call your case in while you're in the restroom they know to wait for you. This is also a good time to scan for your client and just generally appreciate those wonderful citizens who've been summoned to family court. Let's examine the fashions of family court, shall we? Take a moment to think about what you might wear if you had to appear in any court of law. Did you picture sweat pants that are both bedazzled and have a cigarette burn in them? That t-shirt you spilled a margarita on 3 weeks ago? Well, if you thought something along those lines, you are right on trend! People do not dress up, or for the most part even look remotely presentable for court. For the ladies, typical attire is too tight jeans (Roca Wear or Baby Phat) or pajama pants. Yes, freaking plaid flannel drawstring pajama pants, possibly with a Victoria's Secret logo on the ass. These items are paired either with a fake Coach bag from the public market (urban defendants/respondents), a fake Vera Bradley from Family Dollar (suburban caucasian) or a fake Baby Phat/whatever brand that uses grommets/rhinestones/tassles (suburban caucasian who likes black guys or suburban African American). Sometimes a respondent might dress up. Sadly, this doesn't turn out well either. Picture "RuPaul's Drag Race" rather than..well...just picture RuPaul's Drag Race.

chung chung: DHS caseworker room. This is the awesomest room. It's too small, never gets vacuumed, and it's stuffy and windowless. But, it's ours. Only caseworkers and thier attorneys can go in there. On a good day, you get to hear about everyone's crazy cases and catch up on county gossip. On a bad day, it's boring and you wait in there for hours just so you can finally go into the court room for 3 minutes. Thank Buddha for iPhones with Safari and Angry Birds.

chung chung: Meeting with your attorney. As I've mentioned before, I enjoy talking to my attorney, but this is one of those tasks that is both kickass and terrifying. Kick ass because I have an attorney! Terrifying because the attorney is just the spokesperson and I have to tell them what to say. I want to appear confident and competent, make my attorney's job easy, and make important decisions regarding keeping children safe, all while considering limitations of the Family Court Act and tons of legal stuff I'm not entirely fluent in. WWOBD? Luckily, my attorney today was one that I've been working with, and this is the 4th time I've been to court on this case. So I can be myself, she's amenable to my sense of humor, she's willing to talk stuff out with me, and we have time to do so. Sometimes, you meet your attorney as you're walking into the court room and you really have to figure stuff out on the fly. Yikes.

There's all sorts of scary rules about attorneys. You can talk to your attorney freely, but nobody else's attorney unless your attorney is present. In family court, everybody gets an attorney- mom, dad, kids. You have to be pretty paranoid and keep your mouth shut because you never know who's attorney is lurking where. The kids' attorney (law guardian or Attorney for the Child) might be on your side or not. Today, I had a lovely semi-casual interaction with the law guardian on my case. But of course, my attorney was present also.

chung chung: Actual courtroom. This is a mixed bag. Kick ass things include: sitting up at the table with my attorney, whispering to my attorney about very important things throughout the proceedings, and when my attorney subtley calls the public defender an asshole on my behalf. Terrifying things: when the public defender subtley calls me an asshole on his client's behalf, not being able to answer a question that the judge asks, having to testify. Then, mix in how mundane other stuff is. The judge just looks like a normal person except for the flowing robes. (I'm oddly intrigued by their hair styles, or lack thereof, probably because of the black judge robes remove a lot of opportunity for personal style. You'd think they'd pay more attention to their hair if its the only thing that's going to show). S/he has a computer on their desk/bench, they have a clerk that sits at a desk in front of the bench, bailiffs kind of walk in an out as they please, and the court typist person looks kind of bored and trapped. These 4-5 people are in this room all day long. It's their job, and they have a lunch break, and maybe even do some sort of Secret Santa. Meanwhile, they witness families torn apart and put back together and tearful teen moms in baby phat jeans fighting with baby daddies sitting in the church pew audience. Lots of weird energy in the Hall of Justice, that's for sure.

Today, the courtroom was fine, and even entertaining. I was able to answer a question the judge asked me, and my attorney suavely defended me when the public defender sublty called me an asshole on his clients' behalf. The public defender put on this whiny act and seriously seemed like he came right out of a TV show. I get very weird sketchy vibes from him. While with my psychic coworker (we make eachother more psychic when we're together), I pinpointed that the vibe I get from him is best described as "he was with a hooker about 7 years ago and they were doing coke but she OD'd and he left her dead in a hotel room". Just a guess. Anywho, the judge didn't buy his schtick and pretty much seems to be on my side. Hopefully me, my attorney, and the wheels of justice can make things better for these kids.

WWOBD after a family court appearance? She'd probably go work on another case. I, however, wasted time after court by chatting with ladies in the DHS caseworker room, then I went to Dunkin' Donuts to minimize time I had to spend at my desk before my next meeting. I don't have a Stabler to see back at the office, and since the wheels of justice are kind of inconsistent, the whole court proceeding was more maintanence than decision making and I have to be back to do all this all over again in 2 weeks. chung chung: To be continued....a very lame cliffhanger.